


Strike for Love and Strike for Fear

by MissYouSoFar



Series: Moments Frozen in Time [1]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec Lightwood Deserves Nice Things, Alec Lightwood Has Self-Worth Issues, Alec Lightwood Needs A Hug, Alec Lightwood-centric, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bad Parenting, Childhood Friends, Friends to Lovers, Ice Powers, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Minor Character Death, Modern Royalty, Mundane Magnus Bane, Mutual Pining, Panic Attacks, Prince Alec Lightwood, Rating May Change, Slow Burn, Suicidal Thoughts, True Love's Kiss, the frozen AU no one asked for
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-01
Updated: 2020-12-30
Packaged: 2021-02-28 22:15:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 16,388
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23424589
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MissYouSoFar/pseuds/MissYouSoFar
Summary: “Why are you always wearing these gloves?”“What?”“Your gloves,” Magnus repeated slowly as if he was speaking to a child.“The color really suits you, Alexander, but I haven’t seen you without them in three years.”Alec remembered with perfect clarity being ten years old and the terrified look on his parent’s face when they found them in the Great Hall. Magnus atop a snowy pile. He could still hear his mother’s voice clearly in his head the moment she slid the gloves onto his hands, careful not to touch his skin.Conceal. Don’t feel. Remember - emotions cloud your judgment.or, the frozen au no one asked for. :D
Relationships: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Series: Moments Frozen in Time [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1729585
Comments: 89
Kudos: 210





	1. Six Years Old

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Yuru18](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yuru18/gifts).



> I literally don't think I could have written this without my wonderful friend Yuki. <3 So, thank you like 10000 times.

Alec loved autumn in Idris. He loved everything about it - the air getting colder, leaves beginning to fall from the trees, his birthday, and the second-best of all: no school! No school meant more time with Izzy and Jace. More hide and seek, more coloring, and if they were really, really good, his dad might even let them stay up late.

Of course, the best part of autumn was Alec’s favorite season was right around the corner. Winter. Alec didn’t know of anything better than building a snowman with his brother and sister (and the best hot chocolate ever). Alec wished Izzy and Jace shared his enthusiasm for autumn and winter, but they didn’t. They had already started complaining about the unusually cold weather that year. 

Alec hadn’t noticed it being any colder than the previous year, but the cold had never bothered him anyway. According to his mother, not even when he was a baby, which is why in October, Alec was playing outside,  _ alone,  _ without his jacket. He’d discarded them on a chair as soon as his mother had gone back inside and turned the corner. 

Something about being outside in the open air without the barrier of extra clothes always made him feel free in a way he didn’t really understand, but he liked the feeling. Hodge knew to signal if his mother was coming back to check on him, unlikely, and he needed to put his jacket back on. 

Alec flew two of his toy cars through the open air with the frigid air at his back, pretending the wind was pushing the cars around each other. His little car dance came to a halt as movement from behind the chairs caught his eye, just a small blur of red and black.

“Hello?” A boy with black hair tentatively peered out from around the chair he was crouching behind. 

Alec grinned excitedly. Someone new to be friends with was rare, especially a friend that wasn’t afraid to be friends with a prince. After Raj and Sebastian, Alec tended to stick to his siblings, but it would have been nice to have a friend his age again. 

The boy looked to be around Alec’s age, a little taller than Jace but shorter than Alec, but Alec was big for his age. Hodge said he probably would grow into his body in a few years. He’s already  _ in  _ his body, though, so Alec didn’t really know what Hodge meant.  _ Was he going to grow a new body? _

“Do you want to play with me? I have some extra cars.” Alec picked up one of the cars off the pile and held it out to the boy.

Alec watched his eyes dart over to the guards and then back to Alec and the cars before he nodded. “Okay,” the boy whispered as he walked over to Alec, hovering nervously.

“I’m Alec. My mama and daddy are the King and Queen.” Alec grinned at him excitedly, and the slightly frightened look on the boy’s face faded into a big grin. His smile showed off his missing front tooth, just like Alec’s. 

Well, Alec’s two front teeth were only loose. His mother kept yelling at him for wiggling them, but Miss Dorethea told him last month that when he lost his first tooth, if he hid it under his pillow, a magical fairy would come and grant him a wish or bring him money. He’d kind of been hoping for money so he could buy Izzy a new toy. 

“Hello, I’m Magnus Bane. My mommy and I just moved here,” Magnus shared, gracefully folding himself onto the ground next to Alec.

Up close, his red jacket was kind of shimmery like red candy, his hair was browner than it is black in the sunlight, and his eyes were the color of chocolate, just like Izzy’s. Alec thought he was  _ really _ pretty. 

“Do you want to play tag?”

Magnus hopped back up, nodding eagerly. “Do you wanna go first? I’ll count to five and then chase you.”

“You should go first. You’re the guest. That’s what daddy always says,” Alec reluctantly offered. He wanted to go first, but he knew he was supposed to be polite, and it was not princely to be selfish. Whatever that meant. 

“Okay. Let’s play!”

“Five, four, three…” Magnus darted off for the treeline when Alec began to count. “Two, one.” 

Alec’s longer than average legs should have made it easy for him to catch up to Magnus, but Magnus was really good at evading his questing hands, always twisting and turning at the last moment so Alec couldn’t tag him. It was fun to have someone new to play with again.

Peals of laughter echoed through the open meadow as Alec continued to chase Magnus into the edge of the forest, where the palace guards could still see them. Alec knew from experience that he lost dessert privileges if the guards lost sight of him.

“Wait, Ma’nus!”

Magnus’ foot snagged on a tree root obscured by fallen leaves, and out of habit, Alec reached out to catch him. Izzy and Jace were always tripping entering the forest. But Magnus was just a little too far away for his arms to reach. Alec tried to stretch that last inch before Magnus crashed into the ground. 

_ So much for a new friend. Magnus’ mommy will never let him play with me again,  _ Alec thought, seconds before watching as something shot out of his hands towards Magnus. Whatever it was wrapped itself gently around Magnus’ body, easing him to the ground on a bed of soft pillowy snow. 

Magnus sat up on his elbows, grinning up at Alec from the ground. “You can make snow? You’re the best friend  _ ever _ . I love the snow!”

Alec’s heart was pounding so hard he could barely even hear the Magnus over the sound of it in his ears. His fingers were tingling, and for the first time that he could remember, he felt cold. 

“I’m sorry, Ma’nus.” Alec sniffled, trying not to cry.

Magnus’ smile made Alec feel warm again and unafraid, slowing down the hammering of his heart. “It’s okay, Alec. That was so cool! Can we see my mommy in the kitchens? I’m cold, and she can make us hot chocolates.”

Alec nodded, grabbing Magnus’ hand; all thoughts of the sudden snow melted away, replaced by the bubbling happiness that filled Alec up. Alec grinned, swinging their joined hands between their bodies as they walked back to the castle. “I love hot chocolate, and Arendelle has the  _ best _ .”

Magnus grinned back, and Alec thought, maybe he would finally keep a friend.


	2. Ten Years Old

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You have terrible taste. Why are we friends again?” 
> 
> “I have great taste, Alexander. Don’t pretend that you don’t love me.”
> 
> Alec shrugged, feeling his face flush and hoping Magnus would think it was from the cold. “Ehhh, you’re alright, I guess.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I borrowed A LOT of dialogue from the actual movie. 🤷🏻
> 
> This chapter also ended up about double the length I intended it to be

“Alexander, psst,” Magnus whispered, shaking Alec by the shoulders.” Come on, Alec. Wake up, wake up!”

Alec groaned, shoving his face into his pillow to drown out his friend’s voice. “Magnus, go back to sleep.” 

“I just  _ can’t _ . The sky’s awake, so  _ I’m _ awake!” Magnus let out an exaggerated sigh, flopping dramatically onto Alec’s back before turning over and digging his fingers into Alec’s ribs to try to get him to wake up. “Play with me!”

“Go play by yourself, Magnus,” Alec grumbled.” I wanna sleep.”

“Okay, fine.” Magnus rolled off Alec’s back, scooting underneath the blanket, pressing his ice-cold feet to Alec’s legs because he knew Alec didn’t mind the cold. Alec wiggled around until he had one arm under Magnus’ shoulders with his face tucked into Alec’s neck, the warm, woody smell of his hair tickling his nose.

Alec had seen his parents sleep like this one night when he came to their room after he’d had a nightmare. Mama loved Dad, and he loved Magnus, so cuddling like this on sleepovers made sense.

A few minutes later, he was nearly back asleep when Magnus shimmied out of his arms and whispered, “Hey, do you want to build a snowman?”

Alec opened one eye, Magnus’ grinning face filling his field of vision. Building a snowman had become their  _ thing _ after six-year-old Magnus had all but demanded it over hot chocolate in the kitchens. “My parents aren’t going to let us have sleepovers anymore if they find out we’re not sleeping.” 

“We’ll be quiet. Come on,” Magnus whined. “Pleaseeeeee.” 

Alec sighed loudly, roughly pushing his blanket off their bodies, ignoring Magnus’ indignant yelp. Magnus wasn’t going back to bed, and if Magnus didn’t sleep, Alec wasn’t going to sleep more either. Plus, Alec  _ did  _ kind of want to build a snowman. 

“Fine, but if we get caught, I’m telling them it was your idea.”

“We’re not going to get caught,” Magnus scoffed. “Luke’s been teaching me stealth.”

Five minutes later, when Magnus was dragging him downstairs, noisily Alec might add, ignoring his every attempt to shush him, Alec had serious doubts about Luke’s stealth lessons.

“Magnus, did Luke teach you that stealth involves being silent?” Alec teased. 

“See, I told you we wouldn’t get caught!” He boasted, completely ignoring Alec’s playful remark, beaming at Alec in triumph. 

They busted through the doors to the Great Hall giggling, Magnus’ hand curled around his own. Magnus pulled them to the center of the Great Hall, spinning them around in circles happily, his whole face lit up with excitement.

“C’mon, do the magic, do the magic!”

Alec grinned and pulled his fingers free from Magnus’ so he could cup his hands, rotating them over each other until the glowing blue snowflakes formed a small ball that grew bigger with every turn of his hands until it was the size of a tennis ball.

“You ready?”

Magnus bounced on the balls of his feet excitedly, looking like he was seconds away from clapping like a seal. “Yes, hurry up, Alec. I want to play!”

Alec threw the ball of snow high into the air with his magic and watched as Magnus’ face lighted up with delight as it shattered into thousands of pieces and flurried snow down upon them.

Magnus stuck out his tongue, catching a few of the flakes. He scrunched up his nose, making his eyes crinkling a tiny bit at the corners, snow sprinkled across the bridge of his nose and cheekbones like freckles. It was so _ cute _ it made Alec’s heart feel like a hummingbird, and his stomach flooded with butterflies so intense that he honestly felt like he might throw up. 

_ This is stupid _ , Alec thought.  _ You’re ridiculous. It’s just Magnus.  _ Alec had never hated his silly, little,  _ insignificant  _ crush on Magnus more in his life.

Magnus giggled, still catching snow on his tongue. “Your snow always makes my tongue all tingly.”

Alec licked off the flurries collecting on his bottom lip. The snow was cold on his tongue but melted quickly, leaving behind the strange tingly sensation Magnus had been talking about. “It’s kind of like pop rocks,” Alec paused, wrinkling his nose. “But not yummy.”

“You’re right!” Magnus licked his lips like he was double-checking Alec’s hypothesis. “You know, it’s too bad that your snow isn’t blue raspberry flavored.”

“Isn’t it enough that I have ice powers?” Alec asked, worrying his bottom lip between his teeth.  _ Aren’t I enough? “ _ And cherry is a way better flavor.”

“Of course it is, Alec. I love your powers. And cherry is gross, literally the  _ worst. _ ”

Alec nodded to himself, a small smile gracing his face. Magnus had always thought he was enough, always liked him just the way he was. Magnus didn’t mind that he was grumpy in the morning, that he could happily spend the whole day in the library reading, that he didn’t always have a lot to say. Magnus made him feel like it was okay to be himself. 

“You have terrible taste. Why are we friends again?” 

“I have  _ great _ taste, Alexander. Don’t pretend that you don’t love me.”

Alec shrugged, feeling his face flush and hoping Magnus would think it was from the cold. “Ehhh, you’re alright, I guess.”

Magnus jabbed a finger into Alec’s stomach, making him wince. “Okay, sorry, sorry. Here, watch this!” Alec called out, running towards the center of the room.

Alec stomped his foot, and the Great Hall floor quickly was covered in a thick layer of ice, the still falling snow starting to build up. Magnus began to slide away, laughing loudly as Alec caught his hand and pulled Magnus against his chest, spinning them around in circles on the ice. 

“Should we build him now?”

Magnus pushed himself away from Alec, clapping enthusiastically. “Yes!  _ Duh _ .”

Alec started to work on rolling a big ball for the snowman’s body while Magnus worked on a smaller one to go on top before stacking them in order and getting to work on the head together. Magnus formed the face and pulled buttons and twigs out of nowhere for his eyes and arms, while Alec made a big icicle for his nose. 

Magnus attached the arms to the snowman, moving them around and doing a silly voice like he did every time they did this. “I’m Max, and I like warm hugs.”

“Do you think we’re getting too old for this?” Alec asked a few minutes later as he used his magic to propel them across the ice with Max. He loved this, but he couldn’t help but think what his mother would say if she knew he and Magnus were  _ still  _ building snowmen together.

“Don’t say things like that, Alexander. We’re  _ ten _ ,” Magnus said with a laugh, the joyful sound echoing through the Great Hall. “Not sixteen.”

Magnus’ laugh was one of Alec’s favorite sounds. It was so bright and carefree, unlike Alec himself, who, at ten years old, felt the immense pressure to be the perfect son and perfect prince. 

Every week was something new for his mother to criticize:

_ ‘You’re next in line for the throne, Alexander’ _

_ ‘You need to uphold the Lightwood name and reputation.’  _

_ ‘Alexander set a good example for your siblings.’  _

Magnus took his hand, dragging him from his thoughts. “Alexander, more snow, please!”

Alec pulled on his powers, making a snow slide that would launch Magnus into the air at the end so he could jump onto another pile and then another. Alec knew it was one of Magnus’ favorites.

“Catch me, Alexander!” Magnus called. Magnus jumped from the bottom of the slide to the first towering heap of snow to another, almost faster than Alec could make them. 

“Wait, Magnus. Please, slow down,” Alec shouted, making three more piles, each bigger than the rest, moving across the ice as fast as he can, trying to catch up to Magnus. Alec gestured to make another mound of snow, losing his footing and falling on the ice-covered floor. 

Alec looked on in horror as Magnus leaped up onto the last tower of snow, not pausing to look ahead and blindly trusting Alec would break his fall with more snow. 

“Magnus!” Alec threw his magic out in a panic, hoping it would catch Magnus like the day they met. Alec watched as a bolt of ice struck the side of Magnus’ head, and he fell to the ground motionless. 

Alec rushed to his side, a thick white stripe appearing in Magnus’ dark hair, where the ice had hit him. Alec reached out, nudging him gently, hoping Magnus had just been in shock, that he was going to open his eyes any second now. Seconds ticked by, the room silent except for the even sound of Magnus’ breathing and Alec’s tears. 

“Mama! Daddy!” Alec shouted, hoping they would hear him. Alec’s powers were spiraling out of his control, freezing another layer of ice onto the floor, spreading out to the walls, and destroying Max in the process. 

Alec cradled Magnus’ prone body in his arms. “You’re okay, Magnus. I’ve got you.”

“Alexander, what’s going on?” Robert shouted through the doors. The door handle jiggled, and the hinges creaked under the strain of Robert’s weight. 

The doors broke open, and his parents rushed inside; Alec’s ice magic crept up the walls and ceiling, forming the beginnings of an impenetrable fortress of ice. 

“Alexander, what did you do?” Maryse barked, a hint of alarm coloring her voice. “This is getting out of hand.”

“It was an accident, Mama. I would never hurt him.” Alec nuzzled Magnus’ hair, pulling him closer to his body. “I’m sorry, Magnus.”

Maryse placed a hand on Magnus’ forehead, snatching it back with a small gasp. “He’s ice-cold, Robert. We need to tell his mother.”

Robert rushed out of the room, returning a few minutes later with a book in hand, a few strange rune-like symbols embossed on the cover. Robert flipped through the pages until he found a map that showed a path up into the mountains of Arendelle to a clearing marked with an enkeli symbol and the words ‘The Silent Brothers.’

“I know where we have to go,” Robert announced. “I’ll go wake Kartika. Meet me outside in ten minutes with the royal carriage.”

Maryse bent down and tried to take Magnus from Alec’s arms, but Alec just held on tighter to his friend. “Alexander, we need to get him help. You have to let him go.”

Alec shook his head. “It’s okay, Mama. I can carry him there.”

\---

Time seemed to move on as if in slow motion, but Alec was hardly aware of it, unsure of how he got outside or how much time had passed since they headed for the Silent Brothers, the world a blur around him. He could hear his parents talking, but it was like he was underwater. He couldn’t make sense of the words. 

He could only think of Magnus, all but lifeless in his lap. His face lax like he was asleep, a sight Alec had seen so many times, but still stiff,  _ frozen _ , in a way that made Alec’s inside clench. 

Alec and his stupid ability zapped all of Magnus’ characteristic warmth. He didn’t mean to hurt his friend, but he had, and the longer Magnus didn’t respond, the more Alec feared he never would, that he had broken him with his recklessness because he was unnatural. A freak.

His mother’s words kept replaying in his mind on a seemingly endless loop.  _ What did you do? What did you do? What did you do? _

By the Angel, what  _ had  _ he done? 

Magnus was his only friend, and Alec didn’t know what he would do without Magnus. Without Magnus waking him up at midnight because the aurora borealis was too beautiful to sleep through, or because he wanted a snack and didn’t want to go by himself. Without secret sleepovers and Kartika’s hot chocolate. Alec couldn’t imagine his life without Magnus and all the wonderful things he’d brought to Alec’s life.

Alec fought to keep the building waves of anxiety from consuming him. His fingers tingled with barely suppressed magic, ice starting to form a trail behind them as his control slowly slipped away even farther. 

“--xander. Alexander, you need to calm down.”

“Sorry, Mama,” Alec whispered. He combed his fingers through Magnus’ hair, trying to distract himself with the soft feeling in it beneath his fingers, doing his best not to mess it up too much. Magnus would never forgive him if he messed up his hair more than he already had. 

Alec stared out the window of the carriage, the passing trees slowing down to a halt, and a large open area came into view not far in the distance. When the horses came to a full stop minutes later, Maryse and Robert shared an unreadable look, Maryse reaching for Robert’s hand and squeezing comfortingly. “It’s going to be okay. It has to be.”

Without wasting another second, Robert got out and yanked Alec’s door open, lifting Magnus out of Alec’s arms. “Come on. We have to hurry.” 

Robert carried Magnus into the empty meadow surrounded by small steps made of stone. Runes and large moss-covered rocks marked the ground. Robert looked around frantically. “Please, help us. My son’s friend, he’s... he’s hurt.”

The ground shook violently, pitching the rocks forward, rolling towards the Lightwoods and Magnus with astonishing speed, the sudden feeling of something electric zinging over Alec’s skin. A familiar feeling Alec would recognize anywhere.  _ Magic. _

_ These must be the Silent Brothers, _ Alec thought.  _ They’re rock trolls _ .

They stopped abruptly a few feet away before unrolling and increasing in size until they looked mostly human. Their faces were a little more rock-like than an average human, and their eyes and mouths looked sewn shut, making it hard for Alec to look for more than a few seconds, the idea of thick thread threaded  _ through _ flesh making his stomach turn.

_ It’s the king _ , announced the whispers. It almost sounded like they were whispering directly inside of Alec’s heads.  _ Brother Zachariah, the king is here.  _

There was a slight rustle of their moss green robes as they parted to allow a tall man to make his way to the front of the crowd. His eyes and mouth were that of a regular man, his hair streaked with grey and black runes tattooed on both sides of his face. 

“Your majesty,” he bowed his head in respect, his mouth unmoving as he spoke. He gestured towards Alec. “Was he born with the powers or cursed?”

“Born, and they’re getting stronger.”

Brother Zachariah nodded and motioned for them to bring Magnus closer, laying a hand on his head. “You are lucky it wasn’t his heart. The heart is not so easily changed.”

“Please, do what you must.”

Brother Zachariah drew back his hand, a sparkling blue cloud following. Magnus’ memories. “I recommend we remove all magic, even his memories of it, to be safe.” Brother Zachariah winked at a horrified Alec. “But don’t worry, I’ll leave the fun.”

Over their heads, Robert, Maryse, and Alec watched as Magnus’ memories changed. Magnus diving off a pile of snow became Magnus on a sled, and Magnus and Alec sliding around on an ice-covered floor became Magnus and Alec ice skating outside.

Brother Zachariah placed the memories back inside Magnus’ head. “He will be okay.”

“But he won’t remember I have powers?” Alec couldn’t help but think about how boring being his friend would be without being able to use his powers. Would Magnus still want to be his friend if he was just plain old Alec? 

“It’s for the best, Alexander,” Maryse said softly.

“Listen to me, Alexander. Your powers will only grow. There is beauty in it,” he paused to float a beautiful, intricate snowflake above their heads and spun it like a toy top. A snap of his fingers and the snowflake turned from tranquil blue to a blazing furious red. “But also a great danger. You must learn to control it; fear will be your enemy.”

Brother Zachariah showed them an angry red mob of people, fearfully attacking a blue magic-user until there was nothing left of them. 

“No, we’ll protect him,” Maryse asserted. “He can learn to control it, I’m sure. Until then, we’ll lock the gates, reduce the staff, limit his contact with people, with Isabelle, Jace, and Magnus. Keep his powers hidden from everyone.”

\---

They returned home that night, irreparably changed. 

They returned Alec to his room but left Magnus with his mother until he was ready to wake up. The extra bed that had always been in Alec’s room, the one that Magnus never bothered using, was removed. Magnus’ hidden stash of candy thrown out. Izzy’s dress-up clothes. Jace’s baseball card collection. All return to their proper places, away from Alec. 

The next morning, the staff was reduced, sending all the extra personnel to other areas of the kingdom. Alec spent the day terrified they’d send Kartika and, by extension, Magnus away. A fear that thankfully didn’t come to pass.

Next, Alec’s parents closed up the windows and the doors, ordering the Arendelle gates to shut until further notice. A week later, Alec started private schooling lessons in the castle library. 

Alec’s new sheltered life felt like the color gray. Boring. Empty. Lonely. Magnus had been the one thing Alec had for himself. His primary source of happiness. 

It’d been months since Magnus stopped knocking at Alec’s door, asking if they could play. Months since he saw more than a passing glimpse of Magnus, the white streak in his fringe dip dyed a different color each day.

Yesterday was a pretty pale blue, like Alec’s magic. 

But Alec didn’t break until the first day of winter. The start of Alec and Magnus’ favorite season. 

Alec sat in his room, staring out the window, watching the first snowfall of the year, remembering the song Magnus made up when they were six. Alec sang it quietly in the silence of his room, half expecting to hear Magnus’ signature rhythmic knock.

Sighing, Alec got up from the window and walked over to his desk. He picked up the dark green gloves his mother had left this afternoon, the leather soft and warm in his hands. She claimed they could help control his powers if he would just give them a try. 

Alec was about to slide them on when he heard Magnus outside his door. The rhythmic knocking he had been expecting earlier sounded softly through the door. “Alexander?” Magnus whispered. “Do you want to build a snowman?”

Alec smiled for the first time in weeks, wanting to finish the line in the song, like they used to, before his crush, before the accident, before Alec’s entire world changed. Ice flared from his fingers, covering the desk, reminding Alec that things couldn’t be like they used to be, not if he wanted to keep the people he loved safe. The first tear he’d let himself cry slipped down his cheek. “Go away, Magnus.”

“Okay...bye.”

As the sound of Magnus’ footsteps got farther away, Alec let his magic flare out of control, the ice shattering his window, his room transformed into an ice palace. Impenetrable, like he needed to become. Emotions were nothing more than a distraction. He needed to remember that.

And so, at ten years old, Alec Lightwood broke his own heart.


	3. Thirteen Years Old

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Magnus had changed his hair, the sides shaved down, and the top gelled up into a fauxhawk. The white streak was dyed pink, but Magnus had also dyed other pieces, blue and purple, so it didn’t stand out as much. He looked so unbelievably pretty that Alec thought he might be dreaming.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I originally intended for this to be a flashback in chapter 3 but it got to be pretty long so I decided (after a lot of debating) to post it as an additional chapter because chapter 3 doesn't make sense without this part. 
> 
> ALSO shoutout to one of my best friends, Yuki, I could not have done this without her. She literally wrote some of the sentences that I added to or edited when I was too stuck.
> 
> And thank you to Anouk for listening to me bitch and fixing all my mistakes. ilu.
> 
> OH and TW: there is very minor self-harm/implied self-harm.

The doors to the library flew open, banging loudly against the wall, startling Alec out of his book induced fantasy world, making him freeze the book in his hands. Alec’s eyes widened in surprise when his brain registered who was stepping through the library doors. Magnus strode into the library like he was on a mission, making a beeline for Alec, a small box in his arms. 

“Hello Alec,” Magnus said politely, setting the box down on the table in front of Alec.

“Magnus.” Alec breathed, hoping Magnus didn't notice the ice frosting the windows in  _ June _ , while he frantically yanked on his gloves underneath the table. “Hi.”

He hadn’t seen Magnus this close in so long. Alec often passed him in the hallways, always laughing with Isabelle or talking with Raphael, but never like this, with the sunshine streaming in behind him like he was an angel. Never close enough to make out the amber flecks in his eyes. 

(Alec had perhaps been sneaking too many romance novels.) 

Magnus had changed his hair, the sides shaved down, and the top gelled up into a fauxhawk. The white streak was dyed pink, but Magnus had also dyed other pieces, blue and purple, so it didn’t stand out as much. He looked so unbelievably pretty that Alec thought he might be dreaming. 

"--xander. Alexander. Are you listening?"

Alec flushed. "I'm sorry, what was that?"

Magnus rolled his eyes, the muscles in his jaw clenching. “I  _ said,  _ I found these while cleaning out my closet. I was going to throw it all out, but then I thought you might want them back.” 

Nope, this had to be real-life Magnus. The one who hated him. Dream Magnus was always happy to see him. 

Alec quickly dug through the contents of the box, curious about what Magnus had found. His parents had thought to remove Magnus’ things from his room, but they must have neglected to think of Alec's things tucked away into corners of Magnus’ room. 

Alec batted the small pile of toy cars and drawings of Max and a reindeer out of the way in favor of the book, picking it up with gentle hands. His personal copy of  _ Pride and Prejudice _ .

Alec rubbed his hand over his heart, wanting to soothe the sudden ache in his chest; the memory hit him like physical pain. Alec had completely forgotten he’d loaned it to Magnus when they were nine, but Magnus hadn’t finished by the time of the accident. He forced himself to speak, his gaze drawn back to Magnus’ impassive face. “Oh. Thank you, Magnus.”

Magnus shrugged, looking spectacularly disinterested, but Alec could still see the tiny fissures in Magnus' mask, though he no longer knew what was hiding behind it. “No need to thank me, Alexander. Just returning your princely possessions.”

Alec nodded, pinching at the skin just above his gloves, using the slight pain to keep himself calm. “Right. Well, thanks anyway. I-- this is my favorite book.”

Alec thumbed through the worn pages, wincing at the bent back corners and charcoal smudges from Magnus’ fingers alongside his own scribbles in the margins. He wanted to ask Magnus if he liked the book. Did he read Alec's notes and share his thoughts, or did the book sit forgotten after their friendship dissolved?

"Yeah, I remember. You never shut up about it." The corners of Magnus’ mouth twitched, like he wanted to smile but wouldn't allow himself. "I can't believe you wrote in a book. In  _ pen _ , Alexander. That's like book sacrilege."

“I don’t do it anymore,” Alec grumbled. That was a lie. In fact, Alec had written in a book right before Magnus got there. “Not with a pen anyway.”

"So, if I looked inside this book, I wouldn't see any of your scribbles?"

"Nope."

"You're still a terrible liar." Magnus folded himself gracefully into the chair next to Alec. He pulled the now thawed book from Alec’s hands, laying it on the table. 

Alec thought he would open it up to prove his point, but instead, Magnus was reaching out for one of Alec’s hands. “Why are you always wearing these gloves?” 

“What?” Alec jerked back with his whole body, his chair sliding back a few inches with the force of his body. 

“Your gloves,” Magnus repeated slowly as if he was speaking to a child, his mouth pressed into a thin line, the skin between his brows creasing, probably thinking Alec was at least a little bit crazy. “The color really suits you, Alexander, but I haven’t seen you without them in three years.” 

Alec remembered with perfect clarity being ten years old and the terrified look on his parents’ faces when they found them in the Great Hall, Magnus atop a snowy pile, his hair streaked white. They rushed them to the Silent Brothers, and now Magnus remembered it as a sledding accident where they bumped heads so severely they both got a concussion.

He could still hear his mother’s voice clearly in his head the moment she slid the gloves onto his hands, careful not to touch his skin. 

_ Conceal. Don’t feel. Remember - emotions cloud your judgment.  _

Alec had been trying so hard. He wanted to make his mother proud, but his magic hummed under his skin, dying to get out, begging him to make a snowman, an ice skating rink, or even a few flurries. 

His magic used to make him feel alive and happy, kind of like the feeling he would get when Kartika would bring Magnus into the courtyard to play. Like butterflies and sunshine. That feeling was gone now. Alec spent nearly all his time in the royal library. Alone. Even with the gloves, he was afraid. Afraid he’d hurt Izzy or Jace.

“Mom said I have to wear them until I can control myself,” Alec replied. Matter of fact. “I don’t--”  _ want to hurt you again _ , “I’m just doing what I was told.”

Magnus frowned. “What do you mean? Control yourself?”

“They protect my arms from the bowstring,” Alec lied. He had improved his archery skills to avoid string slap over a year ago, with nothing but time on his hand to hone his abilities. Archery was an excellent solitary activity. “She said I need better control to improve my form.”

“What, are bruises too unbecoming of a prince?” Magnus frowned, a crease appearing between his brows that Alec longed to soothe.

It would be easy to close the gap and feel Magnus’ soft skin under his fingers. Alec wanted it so badly he could almost feel how amazing it would feel to touch another person again. 

Alec laughed, dry and humorless. “Yeah. Something like that.” 

The truth was, Maryse probably would find his behavior unbecoming if she knew what he did when the loneliness was too much, and he missed Magnus, Isabelle, and Jace so much that it hurt like a tangible ache. When he realized he would have to spend his whole life alone, unable to have what he wanted, when all Alec wanted was all these terrible feelings to stop. 

She would be ashamed to know that the sting of the bowstring silenced the voices in his head better than anything else Alec had tried. The pain finally made him feel nothing, at least for a little while. 

His face must have shown the depressing nature of his thoughts because Magnus’ face softened, shifting into something that looked almost like concern, but Alec didn’t deserve Magnus’ sympathy. 

Alec deserved for Magnus to hate him. Eight-year-old Alec and eight-year-old Magnus had promised to be friends forever. Nothing was supposed to come between them, certainly not Alec himself. 

The loss of Magnus had felt like the loss of a vital piece of himself, and it was something he still wasn't sure he'd recovered from. A permanent Magnus shaped hole had been in his life for three years, but Alec had never thought, had never allowed himself to believe, that maybe there would be a hole in Magnus' life where Alec used to be. 

Alec choked back a sob, his eyes stinging with tears.  _ Conceal, don’t feel. Conceal, don’t feel. Conceal, don’t feel. _ He wished he could take off his gloves and dig his nails into his palms until they bled, or for his bow and the pain he could inflict that way. Alec would do anything to settle the tumultuous storm brewing inside of himself. 

Magnus reached out, curling his hand around Alec’s bicep, his pinky finger brushing against the top of Alec’s glove. Magnus’ hand felt burning hot even through the material of his shirt. Alec was sure when Magnus pulled away, the touch would have left behind a scar, a brand marking him as Magnus'. 

“Alexander, are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” Alec grunted.  _ Tooclosetooclosetooclose. _ “Why do you keep calling me that? You know I hate it.”

“ 'Alexander'?" Magnus asked, bewildered. "You never minded when I called you that.”

“Yeah, well, we were ten, Magnus. I’ve grown up,” Alec snapped defensively.

It didn't matter that Magnus was right. Magnus had been the only one allowed to call him Alexander in years. Hearing it brought back all sorts of feelings Alec wasn’t ready to deal with. Magnus was too close, and he couldn’t think; he felt out of control like even with his gloves, he was seconds away from sending Arendelle into early winter. He yanked his arm out of Magnus’ grip, turning sharply on his heel to walk away. 

“Wait! I’m sorry, Alexa-- _ Alec _ . I didn’t mean to upset you. Alec, wait, please.” 

Alec sighed, reflexively checking if his gloves were in place. “What is it, Magnus?”

“Do you remember when we were kids, and we built Max?”

Alec nodded, swallowing down his feelings the memory brought to the surface. Didn't Magnus realize how upsetting this was too? “Yeah, why?”

“Why did we stop?”

“Stop what?” Alec forced himself to ask, already dreading what the answer might be, unsure how he would answer him.

“Stop making snowmen, stop talking, stop seeing each other. Take your pick.”

“I don’t know. I guess we grew apart after-- after the accident and-” Alec cleared his throat, the words he wanted to say trying to claw their way out. “Maybe we were too different.”

Magnus scoffed, the corners of Magnus’ mouth turned down into a frown. “You were my best friend. You still are, Alec. We promised we always would be, and I-- even though you’ve shut me out and I have no idea why, but you’ll always be my best friend.”

“Magnus, I… I’m sorry. I wish that I could, that we could, but I--” Alec paused, a near desperate desire to have a friend, to finally have Magnus back in his life, driving his lies. “It’s my mother.”

“Maryse?”

“Yeah, uh, she--” Alec hesitated, rubbing together his thumb and forefinger anxiously. Alec hadn’t thought beyond throwing his mother under the bus, only wanting to make Magnus stay for just a moment longer. “She told me I couldn’t be friends with you anymore, or, um, any Downworlder.”

Alec watched as tears filled Magnus’ eyes, Magnus blinking rapidly until it was like the tears were never there; his face was very carefully blank. “And you just went along with it, did you, Alexander? On your quest to be the perfect son?”

Alec grimaced. He probably deserved that, from Magnus’ perspective, Alec had all but abandoned him. “No, of course not. Magnus, I… I tried to argue with her, but you know my mom. She said it wasn’t proper that I was so close with a commoner, and I wanted to tell you, but then she pulled me out of school, and I...I don’t know. I guess I thought you wouldn’t care. I thought I'd be easy to replace."

“Well, you weren't,” Magnus stated firmly. "I made new friends, sure, but none of them are  _ you. _ "

Alec swallowed heavily, both relieved and saddened by Magnus' confession. Despite the fear that Magnus hated him, he had always hoped that he was happy. He had appeared so, but now Alec wasn't sure. “I’m really sorry, Magnus.”

Magnus smiled, but it didn't reach his eyes. His face still looked unbearably sad. "It's okay, Alec. I understand it was out of your control."

"Still, I..."  _ I miss you. " _ I should have, I don't know."

"It's okay, really. I forgive you, Alexander." Magnus winced. "Sorry.  _ Alec. _ "

"I don't actually mind if you call me Alexander." 

"Well then,  _ Alexander _ , it was lovely to speak with you again," Magnus murmured, his voice soft and sad, eyes roaming over Alec's face like he was memorizing the details. He took an aborted step forward, opening his mouth like he wanted to say something; his open expression stuttering and turning to stone, and he shook his head slightly, like forcing away an unwanted thought. "I should probably let you get back to your duties. I've taken enough of your time." 

Magnus turned to leave, walking out of Alec’s life again. He made it a few steps before Alec worked up the courage to speak, practically shouting across the room, “We could meet here!”

“Beg pardon?” 

“I want my best friend back. I--I miss you.” Alec licked his lips nervously, terrified Magnus would reject him. “So I thought if  _ you _ wanted to. After my lessons, we could, um, we could meet here and hang out?” 

To Alec’s surprise, Magnus’ face lit up with a proper smile, something Alec hadn't seen directed at him since they were ten years old.

“I’d love that, Alexander,” Magnus affirmed, his smile dimming after a moment. “But what about your mother? I’m still a Downworlder, and you’re still the prince.”

“What she doesn't know won't hurt her,” Alec replied with a shrug. “She never comes in here anyway, and I don’t think the books will tell anyone.”

“I don’t know; these books look gossipy. Are you sure you want to risk it?” Magnus teased, still smiling kindly at Alec in a way that made Alec feel like he was eight years old again, discovering his crush on Magnus, the butterflies in his stomach, and the hummingbird beat of his heart back in full force. 

Alec knew it was wrong that he felt this way about a boy. That his feelings were another way that he wasn’t normal, that it was another reason to hate himself. But he still couldn’t stop himself from wanting to be around Magnus whenever he could, soaking up his attention. He would box up his feelings and bury them. He would lie to his parents. He finally had Magnus back, and Alec would fight like hell to keep him forever, in any way he could have him. 

“Alexander?” Magnus prompted when Alec stayed silent, stuck in his thoughts. “Are you sure it's worth it?” Alec saw the unspoken question in Magnus’ beautiful, expressive eyes. Am  _ I _ worth the risk? 

“Yes, definitely. We promised to be friends forever, right? I’m going to keep my promise this time.”

“Alexander Gideon Lightwood, you are a constant surprise.”

“In good ways, I hope?”

“The best.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, this update took forever. I'm sorta planning to hopefully post monthly (though chapter 4 is 90% done sooo maybe sooner).


	4. Fifteen Years Old

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The library was Alec’s favorite place in the whole castle. In fact, it was probably his favorite place in all of Arendelle. That honor used to belong to Magnus’ room, but it had been seven years since Alec had done anything more than walk by, hoping for a glimpse at the boy inside. 
> 
> The library, however, had been his constant companion. Alec loved everything about books from the smell of paper and the feel of it beneath his fingers to the way every book allowed him to escape to another place and time where life wasn’t so complicated. 
> 
> Even before his life fell apart, Alec loved to read anything he could get his hands on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I literally couldn't have written this without Yuki and Anouk. Thank you for all your help writing and fixing my errors.
> 
> Also, I added some new tags that are relevant to this chapter, so check those out before reading please.

The library was Alec’s favorite place in the whole castle. In fact, it was probably his favorite place in all of Arendelle. That honor used to belong to Magnus’ room, but it had been seven years since Alec had done anything more than walk by, hoping for a glimpse at the boy inside. 

The library, however, had been his constant companion. Alec loved everything about books, from the smell of paper and the feel of it beneath his fingers to the way every book allowed him to escape to another place and time where life wasn’t so complicated. 

Even before his life fell apart, Alec loved to read anything he could get his hands on. Izzy loved to joke that Alec must have already read every book in the library twice, a gross exaggeration if Alec had ever heard one, but it still made Alec laugh every time. 

Magnus had overheard Izzy when she was leaving one afternoon and since then would tease him whenever he had the opportunity.

(“I see Isabelle’s point, Alexander. You’re grumpy, a prince, loveable under your adorable prickly exterior,” Magnus said, ticking each point off on his fingers. “Just like the Beast, and like Belle, your nose is always stuck in a book, oblivious to the world around you.”

“Okay, one -  _ rude _ ,” Alec said, copying Magnus’ gesture. “I’m not grumpy, and the Beast has a name. Adam.”

Magnus looked like he was barely holding himself back from arguing. “Noted. Go on.”

“Two, I’m definitely not like Belle,” Alec scoffed. “All the townspeople think Belle is beautiful. I’m not beautiful.”

“Oh, Alexander, don’t be ridiculous. You must own a mirror to see that gorgeous face in.” 

“Of course I own a mirror, Magnus.” Alec rolled his eyes, waving his hand around in the direction of his face, uncomfortably aware of his average looks. “I see the same thing everyone else sees.”

Magnus stared at him, an unreadable expression on his face, his eyes skimming over Alec’s face.

“What?” Alec asked sharply, wishing Magnus would stop looking at him like that.

“I think you’re quite beautiful, Alexander.”

Alec felt his face flush, his traitorous body betraying him. “I--really?”

He couldn’t even imagine what Magnus saw in him. Alec knew he wasn’t ugly, but he wasn’t beautiful. He was just Alec. His skin was too pale, his recent growth spurt had left him feeling gangly and awkward, his eyes were a boring hazel, and his lips too pink. 

Magnus ducked his head, a sweet smile softening his face. “Yes, of course. You have such lovely, enviable features.” Magnus paused, reaching out to smooth the crease between his eyebrows. “Especially if you’d stop scowling all the time. You’re going to give yourself wrinkles.”

“We’re  _ fifteen _ , Magnus. I’m not worried about wrinkles.”

Magnus’ eyes widened, his whole face scrunching in horror. “It’s  _ never  _ too early to think about skincare, Alexander.”) 

Alec smiled, shaking himself out of the memory.  _ That  _ was the biggest reason why he loved the library so much.  _ Magnus _ . The library was the only place he could see Magnus, the only place he felt happy.

Alec glanced down at his watch, wanting to know how much longer he would have to wait before Magnus arrived. It was almost half-past three, twenty minutes after Magnus was usually here, but Alec wasn’t worried just yet. 

Magnus was never the most punctual individual. Magnus claimed that being on time or being tied down to a schedule went against his free-spirited artist ways. Alec was pretty sure what that really meant was that Magnus had poor time management skills and was unwilling to forgo styling his hair or makeup even when there wasn’t time. Still, Alec knew better than to bother saying anything to Magnus.

Alec could imagine how  _ that _ conversation would go.  _ Oh, Magnus, you don’t need makeup,  _ he would say,  _ you look lovely without it _ , and Magnus would undoubtedly come back with something like,  _ My skin is my canvas, Alexander, and my makeup the brush. You can’t rush perfection. _

Alec honestly didn’t really care that Magnus was always late, as long as Magnus showed up eventually. Sometimes it cut into their time together, but then, Alec stayed late, showing up after dinner had started most nights. Alec had long ago perfected the art of misdirection when his mother would ask why he was late after his studies. He learned that as long as he didn’t have to lie, he could get away with it, though doing so always made him feel guilty, recalling the story his mother told him about the Seelie village located in the mountains.

_ “Never trust a people who can’t lie, Alexander. They find much more inventive ways to stab you in the back.” _

But Alec didn’t want to spend his time thinking about his mother. Alec wanted Magnus. Barring that, he wanted to read, so, figuring he had at least ten or fifteen minutes until Magnus graced him with his presence, Alec pulled off his gloves, placing them neatly on the table, so he’d be able to feel the paper beneath his fingers.

A few years ago, he wouldn’t have dared take off his gloves unless he was in his room and guaranteed to be alone, but his time with Magnus relaxed him. That is to say, Magnus nagged him for an entire year to take them off, and then when he finally wore him down, dared to complain about Alec's perfect cuticles, whatever that meant.

Alec secretly hoped that if he showed his parents that he could control them, everything could go back to normal. He could go back to school, he and Magnus could have sleepovers again, the kingdom gates would reopen. He could stop hiding his meetings with Magnus and his occasional visits from Izzy and Jace. 

Maybe he could even have his first real kiss. He’d seen Lydia outside in the courtyard with Izzy and Magnus recently. His father told him almost every night at dinner what a perfect bride Lydia would make, and Alec guessed she was kind of pretty. 

Alec wrinkled his nose. Lydia was alright, but he couldn’t imagine kissing her. She wasn’t his type, perfect bride material or not. No, Alec would rather kiss someone with dark eyes and shorter, darker hair. Someone with pretty pink lips framed by the barest hint of facial hair, their mouth shiny with lip gloss that Alec could only imagine would leave his own lips sticky and tasting faintly of mango when Magnus pulled away. 

_Fuck_. _I shouldn’t think about kissing Magnus,_ Alec thought. Magnus was his friend. Alec was supposed to like girls. Girls with delicate curves and lips that taste like strawberries. That was what “real” men wanted. 

At least, that’s what Alec overheard Magnus telling Jace and Raphael kissing Etta was like before he went off into a diatribe about how boys had the same right to taste like fruit as girls did. Jace had seemed pretty interested up until that point. Unlike Raphael, who looked distinctly uncomfortable and eventually said he didn’t see the appeal of kissing, turning on his heel and striding away. 

Alec remembered all too clearly the moment Magnus confessed when they were fourteen that he was pretty sure he liked boys  _ and _ girls and Alec’s mind came to a screeching halt, and all he managed to do was stutter, “Cool.” 

Alec wanted to tell Magnus he thought he might  _ only _ like boys or at least one boy. But that would lead to questions Alec was too afraid to answer, so he stayed silent and let Magnus tell him about Imasu, the pretty boy from Peru who was vacationing in Arendelle with his parents.

The next day, when Magnus strode into the library, even from afar, Magnus’ lips were a glossy, shimmery pink, and  _ that’s  _ when Alec knew for sure that he was different. That was the first time Alec wanted to kiss him. 

It had to be the makeup, Alec decided at the time. Only girls wore makeup (unless you asked Magnus, which would always end in an extensive lecture on the history of makeup and how men wearing it was more common than people thought), and puberty had been very kind to Magnus. He had always been kind of pretty, bn, Magnus was gorgeous at fourteen, and everyone had a crush on him.

Half a year later, Alec could admit it was neither the makeup accentuating Magnus’ features confusing him or the massive rushes of hormones he was regularly experiencing, making him want everyone. It was just Alec. He was...not straight.

Not that it mattered. Alec's parents had made it clear from a very young age what they expected of him. He was going to be king, and a king had to have a queen. Someday he knew he would have to marry for honor and duty but never for love. 

So, yeah, Alec still had a crush he had harbored since he was eight. Sure, a crush that, unfortunately, had never waned in intensity, only growing along with Alec. His feelings blossoming from childhood affection to what they were today, a feeling Alec didn’t dare put a name to, telling himself over and over that it was only a crush. He wasn’t—. He didn’t  _ love _ Magnus. Not like that.

Alec pinched the bridge of his nose. He didn’t want to think about Lydia or Magnus or...kissing. That wasn’t important. Controlling his powers had to be his focus. If he could control them, he could go into town with Izzy, Jace, and Magnus. He could make new friends. Magnus could paint his nails like he was always asking to do. 

Alec was still a little too afraid to let anyone touch him without his gloves, especially Magnus. Thankfully, Alec could cite Maryse’s disapproval for almost anything, and Magnus would let it go. It wasn't ideal, but it did stop Magnus’ barrage of questions and his never-ending desire for Alec to remove his gloves for various cosmetic experiments. 

Speaking of Magnus, Alec looked up eagerly as the door to the library swung open, his heartbeat already picking up its pace in anticipation, his palms so clammy he had to wipe them on his pants. 

Alec opened his mouth to greet Magnus when the words caught in his throat, disappointment washing over him. It was only Luke, checking in on him. Alec was sure Luke knew about Magnus’ visits, but Luke never said anything, only checking on him when Alec was alone. He appreciated Luke’s discretion. “Hey, Luke.”

“Hey, kiddo.” Luke’s gaze moved around the empty library, setting on the chair pulled out next to Alec. “Are you doing okay?” 

Alec gestured to the open books in front of him with a wince. “Yeah, I’m fine. Just studying for my algebra finals.”

“Best of luck, bud.” Luke’s face twisted in sympathy. “ I never could get the hang of it, but you’re a smart kid. I’m sure you’ll do fine.”

Alec smiled. “Thanks, Luke.”

“Holler if you need anything, okay? I’m gonna grab a cup of coffee before Magnus gets here.” 

“Magnus?” Alec asked, purposely widening his eyes to look innocent. “Why would Magnus be here?” 

Luke winked. “For his book report, of course.” 

Alec nodded. “Right, of course. Thanks again, Luke.”

So Luke did know about Magnus. It was sort of nice to have proof that Luke was aware and didn't care. Hell, it even seemed like he approved of their relationship. No, their friendship. For once, Alec felt like he had someone other than Magnus and Izzy in his corner. 

Silently he watched Luke leave with a small relieved smile. He glanced down at the pages of his math book and frowned. Surely there was another book he could find to fill his time. Alec had enough Math for the day or possibly the rest of his life. If only he could escape it entirely. 

Alec rechecked his watch. 3:45. He should still have a few minutes before Magnus got there, and it wasn’t like Magnus wouldn’t know where to find him. He knew Alec’s penchant for the classics, and Arendelle had recently received a new shipment of books that Alec had been itching to check out. Alec pushed himself back from the table, leaving his gloves discarded in the middle of the table. 

Alec meandered through the stacks, running his fingers along the spines of the books. He loved the freedom to touch carelessly, to feel the imperfections on the bindings, and trace the letters embossed there. Alec had just reached the shelves at the back of the library, where the new arrivals went before they could be sorted, usually by Alec, when a pretty pale green book with gold filigree caught Alec’s eye. He pulled it off the shelf, the gold lettering on the cover brittle and chipped. 

“ _ The Picture of Dorian Gray _ …” Alec whispered, tracing the letters with a delicate hand. Alec had heard of Oscar Wilde, of course, but the Royal Library had never had any of his works. Until now, it seemed. 

Alec headed back to the front of the library, flipping the book over in his hands to read the description on the back cover. _The Picture of Dorian Gray is the story of one beautiful, innocent young man’s seduction, moral corruption, and eventual downfall…._

With his interest piqued, he thumbed through the pages, skimming the paragraphs as he went. Magnus would be so irritated if he saw Alec, complaining about Alec spoiling the plot, but this was something Alec had done as long as he could remember. Magnus  _ hated _ it. So naturally, Alec did it in front of him every chance he got. 

Alec flipped a couple more pages when his eyes caught a starting paragraph.

I see you did. Don't speak. Wait till you hear what I have to say _. It is quite true that I have worshipped you with far more romance of feeling than a man usually gives to a friend. Somehow, I had never loved a woman _ . I suppose I never had time. Perhaps, as Harry says, a really 'grande passion' is the privilege of those who have nothing to do, and that is the use of the idle classes in a country.  _ Well, from the moment I met you, your personality had the most extraordinary influence over me. I quite admit that I adored you madly, extravagantly, absurdly. I was jealous of every one to whom you spoke. I wanted to have you all to myself. I was only happy when I was with you. _ When I was away from you, you were still present in my art. It was all wrong and foolish. It is all wrong and foolish still _. Of course I never let you know anything about this. It would have been impossible. You would not have understood it; I did not understand it myself. _

Alec felt like he'd been thrown underwater and couldn’t find his way up, the water pushing him down and numbing his senses. He wanted to take a breath, but the feeling, the water was stopping him. _ Was he having a panic attack? _

For a brief second, his vision swam, Alec thought he might pass out, and Magnus was going to find him unconscious amidst the stacks. Alec had read about panic attacks. He needed to take slow, even breaths. Alec knew this, but he couldn’t get his body to cooperate, his lungs working overtime to get him air. 

It was just-- that book. Alec could have written this himself if he had the gift of prose. It was everything Magnus meant to him, everything Alec didn’t want to admit he felt. Alec tried so hard to crush the feelings of longing and unspoken feelings until they didn’t exist inside him. But it never worked. Alec knew he was always going to want Magnus in ways he shouldn't. His feelings would always be wrong.  _ He  _ was always going to be wrong. 

He could ignore it and deny it and come up with a million excuses. It wouldn’t change anything. Every part of him wanted Magnus Bane. Even if Magnus returned his feelings someday if he wanted to be the person his parents expected him to be, the person Arendelle needed him to be, then he couldn’t be g-- he couldn’t be with him.  _ I can never have what I want. Who I want,  _ a voice in his head whispered viciously. 

The book slipped from his fingers as spots started to dance before his eyes, the book clattering loudly onto the floor, though Alec could barely hear it. He could feel his magic pulsing underneath his skin, instinctively responding to his panic, wanting to protect him. Alec choked on a sob. “Please, not now.”

His magic had always loved him, but Alec didn’t love it back anymore. Alec hated it. The Silent Brothers had told him it was a gift, but it wasn’t. His powers were a curse he wished he could be free of.

As the first tear fell, ice flared from his clenched hands in every direction, knocking books off the shelves around him. Thin shards of ice broke off, shattering the antique lamp in the window across from him and embedding themselves in the walls below. His thoughts continued to race, adding to his panic—all his hopes of having an everyday life again gone. 

Ice was starting to form under his feet, slicking the floor and spreading out around him. Magnus would be here any minute, and if he couldn’t get himself under control, he didn’t know what would happen. How or even if he could explain. Would Magnus’ memories have to be replaced again? He would lose him all over again if he couldn’t just calm the hell down. 

Alec took a deep breath and did the only thing he  _ knew _ would work. He dug his nails into the palm of one of his hands until the bite cleared some of the fog from his mind, pressing in harder until his palm was wet with blood, and the stinging finally quieting his mind. 

The ice covering the floor receded only seconds before Magnus burst through the door, his chest heaving like he’d been running. “Alexander,” he panted, leaning his weight against the door to catch his breath. “I’m so sorry I’m late. I ran into Isabelle on my way here, and I, sorry.”

Alec wiped at his tears as subtly as he could, clearing his throat a few times and swallowing so it wouldn’t sound like he’d been crying and bending down to pick up the book. “Hi, Magnus. It’s okay; you’re here now.”

“What are you reading today?” Magnus asked without looking up from where he was digging through his backpack for what Alec was sure was his sketchbook and charcoal pencils. “Anything new?”

“Oh, nothing. I found this on the wrong shelf while I was looking for something interesting,” Alec lied, clenching the book in his hands, glad Magnus couldn’t see his face. “I was gonna put it back where it belonged when I knocked over the lamp just before you got here.”

“Alexander, are you okay? You’re shaking.”

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Alec said, hoping his voice sounded steadier than he felt. “I’m just cold, I guess. I’ll be back in a minute, alright?”

Alec took off for the back of the library without waiting for Magnus to say anything, thankful his long legs would give him a head start if Magnus chose to follow him. He ducked behind the last set of bookshelves, setting the book down by the window, catching a glimpse of himself in reflection. He looked okay. He was a little flushed, and tears still clung to his lashes, his breathing not quite yet back to normal, but he didn’t think he looked like he just had a panic attack. 

Alec’s hands trembled as he plucked the book off the ledge, opening to the passage that would be seared into his brain, tracing the words with his fingers reverently. He gently tore the page from its binding, careful not to get any blood on the paper, and folded it carefully into a small square, sliding it into the front pocket of his jeans, the words echoing in his head.  _ I quite admit that I adored you madly, extravagantly, absurdly.  _

Hearing the scrape of Magnus’ chair pushing away from the table, Alec hurriedly tossed the book into the trash, bloody and missing a page. He forced himself to smile until his eyes crinkled at the corners, striding back to the table before Magnus could leverage himself out of his chair. 

“Hey.” Alec leaned over Magnus' shoulder curiously. “What were you drawing?”

“Nothing.” 

Alec caught a glimpse of dark hair and long eyelashes before Magnus slammed his sketchbook closed, shoving it back into his bag. “Just doodling. I’m sorry again that I was so late. I know you have to lie to Maryse to see me.”

Alec raised an eyebrow, wondering what the hell had Magnus so jumpy. He always showed Alec his sketches, but everyone is entitled to their secrets.

“I told you, it’s fine. I’m glad you’re here now.” Alec stated, shaking off his confusion. He sat down and reached across the table for his gloves. “So don’t worry about it.”

Magnus’ eyes widened, and Alec realized a second too late that Magnus had seen the cuts on his hand. 

Magnus reached out for Alec’s hand, cradling it between his own, pressing it against his chest. Alec sucked a harsh breath in through his nose, his entire body lighting up at the contact, so intense it was almost painful. No one had touched his skin in five years. 

“Alexander, you’re bleeding! What happened?” 

Alec struggled to focus on what Magnus was saying, not fully registering the question. He didn’t care about the cuts. He wanted to beg Magnus to touch him everywhere to see if it felt like this all over.

“Alexander?”

Alec blinked, shaking himself out of his thoughts. “Oh, I--I must have cut myself on some glass. It’s no big deal. Didn’t even notice.”

“Alexander, honestly. You need to clean this up and get a bandage.”

Alec rolled his eyes. “I’m  _ fine _ , Magnus. I’ll do it later.”

“Stubborn ass,” Magnus muttered, dropping Alec’s hand to dig through his bag and pulling out a handkerchief embroidered with his initials and a bottle of hand sanitizer. “Gimme your hand back.”

Alec stared blankly, eyes darting between the item in Magnus’ hand and his face. “What?”

Magnus sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. “If you refuse to get a first aid kit, then this is what I have to work with. Now, give me your hand.”

Alec reluctantly placed his hand back in Magnus’, eyeing the bottle suspiciously. “I don’t see why I-- ow ow owww, what the hell, Magnus.” 

Magnus tucked the bottle back into his bag, his hold on Alec’s hand firm. “Stop being a baby. It’s just a little hand sanitizer.”

“It burns,” Alec whined, squirming in his seat. “Is this really necessary?”

“Yes, but the bad part is done now.” 

“It still hurts,” Alec grumbled. “You could have warned me.”

“Sorry, but if I warned you, you would have stopped me.” 

Alec opened his mouth to argue, the words dying on his tongue. He watched as if in slow motion, Magnus lifted his injured hand to his mouth, his lips brushing Alec’s wrist, pulling a whimper from Alec. He was close enough that Alec could see the lighter flecks in his eyes and smell his sandalwood shampoo. Alec's entire body felt like it was on fire, unsure what to do with all the incidental contact, and he desperately wanted to burn. 

Magnus shushed him, gently smoothing his free hand down Alec’s flank like he’s seen Magnus do with anxious horses from the stable. “You’re okay, Alexander,” Magnus whispered, dotting small kisses across the base of his palm. “There, all better.”

Magnus scooped the handkerchief off the table, wrapping the scrap of fabric around Alec’s palm, and tucking the ends in under itself. “You should still have that properly bandaged later, but this should do for now.“

Alec stared down at his hand, still cradled in Magnus’, the red M.B. clearly visible across his palm. It made something in Alec’s stomach swoosh pleasantly, like the letters meant he belonged to Magnus. “Thank you. I’ll make sure to clean and return your handkerchief.”

“Or you could keep it,” Magnus countered, tracing over the letters absentmindedly. “It looks nice on you.” 

Magnus looked up from his handiwork, smiling so wide it made Alec feel warm and happy. The afternoon sun, or maybe it was Alec’s feelings for him, made him glow, looking so intensely beautiful that it took Alec’s breath away. Magnus’ body swayed forward, his hair tickling Alec’s forehead before Magnus seemed to catch himself, jerking back into his chair. “Alec--”

The library doors swung open with a thud. “--Hey Alec, Magnus, sorry. The Queen’s headed this way, looking for Alec,” Luke stated, his gaze falling to their hands. “Thought you’d want a heads up.”

Magnus dropped Alec’s hand, jumping up and slinging his bag across his body. “That’s my cue to disappear. That woman hates me.”

Alec winced. “Same time tomorrow? Maybe you’ll even be on time.”

Magnus laughed, stepping into Alec’s space and pushing himself up onto his tiptoes to press a quick kiss to Alec’s cheek before dashing out the door passed Luke, calling out, “Until tomorrow, Alexander.”

Later, when Alec is on the cusp of sleep, he realizes that he kept control of his magic, even with someone,  _ Magnus _ , touching him. Even with his hurricane of emotions. He didn’t send Arendelle into early winter. 

Maybe Alec’s dream of a normal life wasn’t lost. Alec drifted off to sleep, a smile on his face, thinking maybe Magnus was the key to everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will probably be posting a separate fic in this universe before posting chapter 5. Sooo, if you're interested look out for that. :)


	5. Seventeen Years Old

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Shall I hand feed it to you, my prince?”
> 
> “I’m not a prince anymore. Technically, I’m a King.”
> 
> Magnus winced. “I’m sorry, Alexander. I didn’t mean to--”
> 
> “It’s okay. I know you didn’t mean to remind me,” Alec said, forcing a smile back onto his face. “That happens with or without you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiiiiiii, so I managed to get this finished in a month like I promised. Yay! I also renamed the fic. I hated the old one for a while. New title is a lyric from Frozen Heart (in Frozen the movie. 
> 
> This chapter is kinda....I don't want to say dark but I think it deals with some heavy stuff, so be prepared? :D I updated the tags.
> 
> Thank you so, so much to VIctoria, my beta. I probably would have never finished this chapter without her. Her help was invaluable to me. 
> 
> Also, thank you Yuki and Giulia for being my biggest cheerleaders. Lastly, thank you all for being so patient and understanding. <3

_They’re dead._

Laying on his bed, Alec stared up at the ceiling with unseeing eyes. He knew that he should go to the funeral tomorrow. The people of Arendelle, now his people, expected him to be there. Even as isolated as he was, he’d heard the whispers around the castle about the elusive would-be king who no one had seen in almost a decade. Rumors about his whereabouts had run wild for years and were widely speculated, ranging from him being in rehab to impregnating a foreign dignitary. No one has ever suggested he has magic ice powers that almost killed his friend, and he’s been locked in the castle like Rapunzel with no prince to save him ever since. 

_My parents are dead._

Alec cared more about Izzy and Jace going to their parents' funeral alone if he didn’t attend, more than rumors and the kingdom's opinions. Maybe that made him a poor king, but he’s a big brother first. A protector. They would need him to be strong for them tomorrow, and Alec wouldn’t be there, overwhelmed with grief and too afraid to trust himself to control his powers, even with his gloves. He couldn't help but think his parents would be so disappointed in him. Especially if they knew he barricaded himself in his room instead of facing the reality of their deaths.

“Heavy is the head that wears the crown, Alexander, but you must be strong and persevere.” 

_We’re burying empty coffins. Their bodies would be unrecognizable if we found them. Probably half-eaten by fish._

Alec jerked upright as his stomach turned over violently, bolting for the bathroom when saliva pooled in his mouth, nausea cresting. His stomach cramped, trying to purge the contents of his empty stomach into the toilet. Bile burned his chest and throat, exiting his body, leaving an awful sour taste in his mouth. 

Alec couldn’t remember the last time he ate anything. Magnus tried to get him to eat a few times but didn’t succeed beyond a few bites of food or sips of water. Food tasted like ash in Alec’s mouth, and truthfully, the thought of eating or doing anything to sustain himself felt like an uphill battle. Alec wanted little more than to wall himself off inside his room and waste away. A small part of him knew that that was the grief talking, that Izzy and Jace and even Magnus needed him, but it was so hard to remember that. 

_I wasted so much time complaining about them, and now I can’t even see them one last time._

Alec forced himself up, his already low energy reserves depleted. He stumbled over to the bathroom sink and gargled some mouthwash. One quick glance in the mirror showed the toll of his parents' death. His skin was paler than usual, with dark circles beneath his eyes so big they could have their own zip codes and more stubble he’d ever had since he hit puberty. 

Looking away from his reflection with disgust, Alec splashed some water on his face and hastily exited the bathroom, returning to the privacy of his bed and stared up at the ceiling again. He wished for the comfort of his bow and the privacy to shoot his arrows until his hands were a bloody mess, and he _felt_ something. For most of his life, Alec had practiced suppressing every emotion he felt. _Conceal, don’t feel._ But now that he was experiencing it, it was frightening. Would he ever feel anything again? Would anything fill the chasm inside of him, or would he remain numb and slowly lose everyone left in his life to his indifference. Equally frightening was the idea of feeling the full weight of the loss of his parents. Alec wasn’t sure he could bear it.

Needing a distraction from his spiraling thoughts, he shoved a hand under his pillow, seeking out the papers he had hidden there. It wasn’t lost on him that the only things he kept there were from or about Magnus. The pages he’d torn from _The Portrait of Dorian Gray_ and now a letter from Magnus along with a beautiful drawing of Robert and Maryse.

On the sixth day, when it was clear Alec wouldn’t be coming out of his room anytime soon, Magnus had knocked softly early that morning, asking if he was awake yet. When he received no answer, Magnus sighed, probably assuming Alec was sleeping, but Alec hadn’t slept more than a few hours since they’d received the news about his parent’s ship. Every time he closed his eyes and let himself sleep, he found himself plagued with nightmares of watching his parents die and them blaming him, saying it should have been him that died on the ship. 

“I hope you’re sleeping, but I know you too well to believe that you are. I’m leaving a tray of food outside the door. You should really eat something, Alexander,” Magnus had said, sighing again. Alec laid in bed, frozen, listening to the familiar sound of Magnus unzipping his backpack and rummaging around in the chaos therein. “Alec, I --I’ll be back to check on you later, okay?” 

Magnus then pushed the envelope under his door, his elegant script spelling out his name on the thick parchment. Alec dragged himself out of his bed to retrieve it when he finally heard Magnus’ steps retreating.

To my dearest Alexander, 

Let me start by saying how sorry I am. I know I’ve said it before, darling, but it bears repeating. I know there’s nothing I can say that will take away your pain or bring back your parents, but please know you don’t have to be alone. Let someone else share the burden with you. I’m here for you, always if you need anything - a shoulder to cry on, a friendly ear to listen, or just someone to sit with you in silence. 

So many people loved your parents, and I don’t want you to forget all the happy memories you may have of them while you’re stuck in that head of yours—no doubt finding some way to blame yourself for their tragic passing. 

Don’t worry about the funeral. I’ll keep my eye on Isabelle and Jace for you. They’ll have my full support if you can’t make it.

Remember, I’m only a few moments away. You don’t have to bear this alone, and they wouldn’t want you to.

Love always, 

Magnus XOXO

A week ago, Alec might have traced the letters or held the paper to his chest and allowed hope that Magnus returned his feelings to bloom in his chest, but Alec still didn’t feel anything. No joy or excitement. Magnus could turn around and barge in, proclaiming his undying love for him, and Alec would be too numb to care. 

Alec grasped the collection of papers, clutched the drawing to his chest, unable to bring himself to look at his parent’s graphite depictions again before he carefully smoothed away any imperfections his rough grasp may have caused. Alec reread the letter, wishing the words to spark some kind of feeling back into him and coming up empty. He turned his focus to the book pages, the memory of the day he discovered the words that so accurately put words to what he felt for Magnus, never failing to stir his emotions. 

“Alexander?” Magnus’ signature knock startled Alec out of his thoughts, and he scrambled to put the letter and book pages out of sight. “Can I come in?” 

“Magnus, I-- ” Alec’s voice cracked. The words felt like gravel in his throat. He hadn’t spoken in over a day, and his mouth felt bone dry. “I want to be alone. Go away. _Please._ ”

“I only want to come in for a moment, darling. I’m-- we’re worried about you. Isabelle and Jace. Please, let me see you, and I’ll leave as soon as you ask.”

Alec felt a pang of guilt. Izzy should be grieving their parents, not worrying about her older brother and Jace… Jace needed him too. Even if he probably wouldn’t want to admit it. Robert and Maryse may not have been his birth parents, but they were the only parents he’d known. They were brothers in everything but blood.

“Okay, but only for a few minutes,” Alec relented. “Gimme a minute, and I’ll unlock the door.”

Alec forced himself out of bed, his limbs felt like lead, and the room spun uncomfortably around him as he got to his feet. He shuffled over to his door, his stomach protested violently, and Alec had to stop once to make sure he wasn’t going to throw up or pass out. He flicked the lock and pulled the door open for Magnus.

“Hey there,” Magnus greeted him with a strained smile, the corners of his mouth barely upturned and the happy crinkling of his eyes not present. “I brought you tea. Thought you might need something to drink that would soothe your throat.”

Alec smiled back weakly, the room still spinning a bit. Magnus’ eyes flitted over his face and body, taking in his messy hair and the way his clothes hung off his thinner frame with concern. Alec knew he didn’t look his best. It had been at least three days since the last time he took a shower and almost as long since he brushed his hair teeth or even changed his clothes. 

Distantly, Alec realized he was likely depressed. Alec suddenly wished that instead of ice powers, he had all-encompassing magic, like an immortal warlock, and he could clean himself up with just a wave of his hand.

Magnus walked over to Alec’s bed and set the tray down on the nightstand before he turned back to Alec. Magnus smiled again, a little less forced, and now his eyes didn’t leave Alec’s face, searching for something. “Come on, let’s get you back to bed, darling. You look like you’re about to faint.”

Alec nodded, regretting it immediately when the room blurred, and he swayed, catching himself on the wall. Magnus approached him like a frightened horse; his movements slow and deliberate. “I’m going to touch you, okay?”

“Okay,” Alec whispered.

Magnus slid his arm around Alec, tugging him closer. His hand slipped under Alec’s shirt, his thumb rubbing soothing circles into his skin. Slowly, Magnus guided Alec back to his bed, his hand never faltering as they moved.

 _It’s nice to have him so close,_ Alec thought. He inched his way closer to press their sides together. They had been physically affectionate as children, but Alec’s powers and growing up had made them, mostly Alec, shy away from touch, even if it was something Alec desperately craved. Most teenagers he knew of had kissed someone or held their hands. Most people had parents that hugged them. But not Alec. There was a word for it, something he’d seen in one of the books he took from the library. _Touch starved._

Magnus pulled his arm away when they reached the bed, and Alec had to bite his tongue to stop from asking Magnus to lay on the bed with him, like when they were ten. He wished he was brave enough to try.

“Thank you,” Alec murmured, sinking back onto his bed, cradled by pillows. “For checking on me.”

“Of course, Alexander. I--I care about you,” Magnus mumbled, turning quickly to retrieve Alec’s tea, his cheeks tinged pink. He pressed the mug into Alec’s hands, hurrying away to tidy up Alec’s room. He flitted about, flinging open the curtains and returning books to their shelves. 

Alec cradled the teacup in his hands, letting the ceramic warm his palms before lifting the cup to his mouth, notes of spicy ginger and tart lemon wafting up to his nose. He paused, cup poised at his lips. 

“Did you--”

“Put a metric fuck ton of honey in it? Yes, Alexander. I know you won’t touch tea without enough honey to fill a beehive. I brought you a scone and muffin as well,” Magnus pointed out, glaring at him without heat. “Because I know you haven’t eaten since yesterday.”

“I’m not hungry,” Alec complained. Not only that, he was afraid he would throw up if he put anything in his stomach. 

“Be that as it may, you need to eat something,” Magnus insisted, walking back over to Alec’s bed. He picked up the muffin, breaking the muffin top off and holding it near his mouth. “Shall I hand feed it to you, my prince?”

Alec rolled his eyes but smiled. Magnus did things like this for as long as Alec could remember. Always looking after the younger kids in the castle and caring for Alec. He would be a great husband and father someday. It was one of the things Alec loved about Magnus. The title finally registered for Alec, and his smile fell from his face. “I’m not a prince anymore. Technically, I’m a King.”

Magnus winced. “I’m sorry, Alexander. I didn’t mean to--”

“It’s okay. I know you didn’t mean to remind me,” Alec said, forcing a smile back onto his face. “That happens with or without you.”

Magnus nodded, still looking so distraught. Alec plucked the muffin top out of Magnus’ hand, popping a piece into his mouth. The richness of the chocolate and the sugar had his stomach aching, but still, he ate the rest of the muffin in his hand and all the bites Magnus offered until it was gone.

“I think I want to go to the funeral,” Alec said suddenly. “For Izzy and Jace. I...they shouldn’t be alone.” 

“That’s very noble, Alexander, but you should do what’s best for yourself too.”

Alec shook his head. “No, what I want doesn’t matter. That’s selfish. Magnus -- they need me. I have to be there for them.”

“It isn’t selfish to think of yourself after a traumatic event,” Magnus countered, looking unbearably sad. “But I know you’re as stubborn as a mule, and I can’t change your mind. Do you want my help getting ready tomorrow?”

“I’m seventeen, Magnus. I know how to dress myself. Plus, it’s hard to mess up wearing all white.” 

“You could mix different shades of white, but that’s not what I meant. I know you’re fully capable of competently dressing yourself.”

“There are different whites? White is white.”

“Oh, you sweet summer child. ‘There are different whites,’ he asks,” Magnus muttered. “There’s pearl white, snow, porcelain, eggshell.”

“Okay, I’m pretty sure you made most of that up and just started naming white things.” 

“I’m an _artiste_ , Alexander. I would never lie about something as important as color.”

“If you want to get technical, white is the absence of color, but, fine, you may pick out my clothes and save me the faux pas of mismatched shades of white.”

Magnus huffed. “Shush. Eat your scone while I raid your closet.”

Magnus disappeared into Alec’s walk-in closet while Alec begrudgingly followed Magnus’ demand. The muffin had settled and left him feeling hungry for the first time in days. 

“It’s unfair that you have a closet this size, and it’s only a third full,” Magnus shouted from the closet. 

“Being a prince didn’t leave me a lot of time to shop,” Alec pointed out. _Not that I’m allowed to leave the castle to shop even if I wanted to._

Magnus emerged a few minutes later with a white three-piece suit, pants, and a white button-up shirt over his arm. “I’ll have these pressed and be back in the morning to check on you again,” Magnus assured, squeezing Alec’s hand. He dropped Alec’s hand and reached up to run his fingers through Alec’s hair. “And to tame these beautiful locks.”

Alec hopped off his bed, pulling Magnus into a hug. He couldn’t help but notice how perfectly Magnus fit in his arms, how right it felt to hold him against his body. “Thank you, Magnus. I-- _love you_ \-- don’t know what I would do without you.”

___

True to his word, Magnus showed up the next morning with Alec’s suit and coffee. He ushered Alec into the shower, even though Alec had already showered last night. 

“Are you decent yet?” Magnus inquired. 

Alec opened the bathroom door, steam billowing out around him, dressed in boxer and a white t-shirt. “Where’s my suit?”

“Hanging up. Come on.”

Magnus dragged him over to the bed, pushing the coffee mug into his hands and insisting Alec drink it all before he finished getting dressed, so he didn’t accidentally stain his clothes. Magnus squirted something foamy and white that smelled like the beach onto his hand, rubbing them together and working his fingers into Alec’s hair. 

Magnus kept up a constant stream of conversation while he continued to comb his fingers through his hair, talking more than he usually did about school and makeup, and every topic Alec could think of. Alec knew he was trying to keep him distracted, and he appreciated the gesture. He could make it through this day. There were people who still cared about him. He just needed to remember what his mother always taught him. _Conceal, don’t feel._

“Do you want me to walk with you to chapel?” Magnus inquired after Alec finished putting on his suit.

“Yes, please,” Alec answered, tugging on his gloves. “Can you get Isabelle and Jace too?” 

Magnus’ face softened. “Yes, of course, Alexander. I’ll be right back with them.” 

Magnus returned after a few minutes with his siblings in tow. It hurt to see his ordinarily vibrant baby sister look so small, making guilt swell inside him. He should have been there for her. For both of them. 

Alec pulled Izzy and Jace into a hug. “I’m sorry. I should have been stronger for you both.”

“You’re the strongest person we know, big brother.” 

__

Magnus held his hand while Izzy clung to his arm as they walked into the chapel, Jace stoically by their sides.

Most of the service was a blur to Alec. He remembered walking to the front of the chapel, people offering their condolences as they passed. Magnus and his mother ushered Alec and his siblings into the front pew. Tradition dictated that Magnus and Kartika should sit elsewhere, but Alec knew he couldn’t get through the service without Magnus next to him. Reverend Starkweather stood at the lectern and began his sermon, but all Alec heard was the blood rushing in his ears. He barely noticed the sermon come to an end or the music starting to play. 

“Alexander, are you okay?” 

It wasn’t until Magnus spoke that Alec realized he was still clenching Magnus’ hand within his own, so tightly that the skin of his knuckles was turning white. He tried to pull his hand free from Magnus’, feeling nervous about holding his hand now that he was aware of it, but Magnus kept his fingers firmly interlocked with Alec’s. “What?”

“I asked if you were okay,” Magnus whispered. “You’re shaking.”

“Oh,” Alec began lamely. “Yeah, I’m fine.”

Magnus didn’t look convinced, and Alec couldn’t blame him. He was the one who said it, and even he wasn’t convinced it was true, but Magnus graciously let it go, putting their joined hands in his lap and giving Alec’s hand a comforting squeeze. 

Alec tried to pay attention to the end of the song and Rev. Starkweather’s eulogy, but it wasn’t registering. Everything felt distant and distorted; his voice sounding like it was underwater. Izzy sniffled next to him, leaning her head against his arm, her tears soaking to the arm of his suit jacket. Alec rubbed his thumb over the back of her hand and leaned down to kiss the top of her head, hoping his actions would bring her some comfort. 

“Would anyone else like to speak at this time?” Rev. Starkweather asked. 

Alec took a deep, shuddering breath. One of the children needed to say something about their parents. He needed to be strong for his siblings and be the one to do it. He _could_ do this - he had Izzy, Jace, and Magnus. He wouldn’t shatter apart with them here. “I have something I’d like to say. A passage to read.”

“Hello, I’m Alexander, uh, Alec. As most of you know, I am--” Alec grimaced, his heart aching from his misstep, ”--was Robert and Maryse’s oldest son. I...I wasn’t sure I was going to make it today, to be honest, but a good friend reminded me that I’m not alone. I can weather this storm.” 

Alec looked out into the pews, searching for Magnus’s eyes. The sun shined through the stained-glass windows, casting Magnus’ face in gold and red, looking almost like an angel. Alec’s angel. Magnus mouthed, ‘ _you’ve got this’_.

“I’ve prepared a passage from one of my and my mom’s favorite books, Fahrenheit 451, to read. I think it-- well, I think it says a lot about the impact that people have on everyone’s lives, not just their own.”

Alec kept his eyes on Magnus and took a deep breath, hoping his voice would come out steady. 

“ _Everyone must leave something behind when he dies, my grandfather said. A child or a book or a painting or a house or a wall built or a pair of shoes made. Or a garden planted._

_Something your hand touched some way so your soul has somewhere to go when you die, and when people look at that tree or that flower you planted, you’re there._

_It doesn’t matter what you do, he said, so as long as you change something from the way it was before you touched it into something that’s like you after you take your hands away.”_

Alec stepped down from the stage as soon as he finished the passage and returned to his seat with Magnus and his siblings. Izzy immediately grasped his hand, crying softly on his shoulder again. Distantly, he heard Jace try to comfort her and murmurs from the people around them. Alec stared at the picture of his parents on the front of the funeral program. It was only a few years old, taken in the gardens on his parent’s fifteenth wedding anniversary.

“Alexander?”

Magnus rested his hand on Alec’s arm, startling him out of his thoughts. “Sorry,” Magnus murmured. “I forgot how sensitive you are to touch.”

“It’s fine. I don’t mind when you-- you just startled me.”

Alec looked around the chapel, surprised to find it nearly empty. Izzy and Jace were nowhere in sight.

“Izzy wanted to lay down. Jace is walking her back to her room,” Magnus assured. “I told them I’d make sure you got back to your room if you’re ready to go.”

Alec wanted nothing more than to return to his sanctuary with Magnus and sleep for a week, but there was something he needed to do first. “I need a minute by myself. If that’s okay.”

“Of course that’s okay, whatever you need.” Magnus stood, brushing off his pants. “I’ll see you soon.”

Magnus was near to the exit when Alec shouted for him, stopping him in his tracks. He spun around on his heel. Concern etched on his face. “Yes, Alexander?”

“Thank you for everything. I couldn’t have gotten through today without your help.”

***

“Hi, mom. Hi dad. Today was your funeral, and it was so hard,” Alec whispered, his voice still loud in the complete silence of the viewing room. “I miss you. It’s weird. I keep waking up, and for a second, I wonder what dad will talk about at breakfast or if mom will have a problem with Izzy’s clothes, then I remember. I’m an orphan now.”

Alec fell to his knees, the stone floor biting into his knees that throbbed with pain. He rested his head on the catafalques, the green and purple cloth soft against his skin, and the sweet smell of Arendellian crocuses assaulted his senses. 

“I… you know, you weren’t the best parents. I’ve been _alone_ since I was ten years old. That was the last time either of you touched me. You took away my friends, my siblings. You locked me away and--. I don’t know if I’d be alive now if it weren’t for Magnus. You cut me off from my family like I was a _monster_. Like I was nothing. I was just a kid, and I-- I’m angry with you, but I don’t know what to do. I’m not ready to be king.”

Alec pulled himself to his feet, his knees throbbing. Any minute he would wake up from this nightmare. Luke would knock on his door and wake him up, and he’d go to breakfast and see his mother and father. Any minute. 

“Ave Atque Vale,” Alec finally rasped. “I love you both. I’ll do my best to make you both proud.”

***

When Alec opens his door, he’s surprised to find Magnus there lounging on his bed, still in the same clothes he was wearing earlier. He has his sketchbook and graphite pencil in hand, “Hey.”

“Hey,” Magnus echoed, scooting back against Alec’s headboard, leaving his sketchbook within view. “I wasn’t expecting you back so soon. Did you do what you needed to?”

Alec nodded, ducking into the bathroom to change into sweatpants and a new t-shirt. “Yeah. I went to talk to my parents.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Alec shook his head, getting onto the bed next to Magnus. He’s careful to leave space between them, Magnus’ sketchbook between them. He’s sketched out part of a face with green-brown eyes, a dimpled nose, and a pair of full pink lips. Alec had seen dozens of other sketches with similar features. Alec tapped the page, wondering who this person that Magnus is always drawing is. “This is nice,” Alec stated. “You draw this person a lot.”

Magnus swallowed audibly. “Yes, well,” Magnus stammered, fiddling with his ear cuff. “He-- _they_ are very beautiful, and you know I like to draw beautiful things.”

_You should draw yourself then._

Magnus started gathering his things, tucking his sketchbook and pencils into his backpack, and shoving his phone into his pocket. He had gotten up and stood a few feet away from the bed, shrugging his jacket back on, when Alec found his voice.

”Hey, Magnus?” 

Magnus hummed. ”Yes, darling?”

”Could you--” Alec paused, already losing his nerve, “nevermind. It's stupid.”

”Nonsense,” Magnus chided. He leaned against Alec’s desk, waiting expectantly for Alec to continue. “You can ask me anything. I hope you know that.”

”Could you. Will you stay with me tonight?” Alec looked away, fiddling with the edge of his comforter. He didn’t want to see the pity on Magnus’ face, even if pity is what he deserves. “Please.”

He hears Magnus’ footsteps get closer to the bed. Magnus kneels in front of him, ducking his head so he can meet Alec’s eyes. ”Oh, Alexander, ” he whispered, tipping his chin up with index finger. His thumb rubbed back and forth across his jaw, and Alec couldn’t stop the full-body shiver from the contact. He wished he was bold enough to turn his head and press a kiss to the pad of Magnus’ thumb. 

Magnus' expression softened, but not with pity like Alec expected. His eyes warm with an emotion Alec can't identify. ”Of course I'll stay with you. I need to get some clothes, but then I’ll--”

“You can borrow my clothes if you want,” Alec interrupted. “Please. I don’t want to be alone.”

Magnus nodded, grabbing clothes from Alec’s dresser and ducking into the bathroom to change, emerging a few minutes later. Magnus was by no means small, but Alec had a few inches on him. Magnus was broader, though, so while the shirt fell to the middle of Magnus’ thighs, the fabric was tight across his shoulders. 

“ _Wow._ ”

“You look exhausted; you should go to sleep,” Magnus pointed out not unkindly. Magnus slid into bed under the blanket. He cleared his throat, hesitating, “I would really like to give you a hug, but I know you’re not always okay with physical affection.”

“I wouldn’t say no to a hug from you,” Alec whispered, wiggling his way under the blanket too. “You make me feel safe.”

It had been a week since Robert and Maryse were presumed dead. Seven days and Alec hasn't shed a tear. Too afraid, once he started, he wouldn’t stop. They weren’t the best parents, he knew that, but they were still his mom and dad. 

“Oh, darling.” He opened his arms for Alec to fall into, grunting from the force of Alec’s body against his. “It’s okay, my darling. I’m here. You’re safe with me; you can let go.”

“I-- _Magnus_. They’re gone,” Alec gasped. “I’m an orphan. I’m an-- I don’t know how to be king. I was supposed to have more time.”

“I know, I know. We’ll figure it out together. Let it go, love.”

And Alec finally breaks, sobbing into Magnus’ shoulder. 

***

Alec woke a few hours later with his head pillowed on Magnus’ thighs. He’s still mentally and physically exhausted, his eyes puffy from crying, but he felt safe and comforted.

Magnus was resting against the headboard, one hand carding through Alec’s hair while the other absentmindedly drew symbols on Alec’s chest and stomach. Runes, Alec realized after a moment. Magnus had loved the rune books in the library as children. Alec didn’t even know he still knew them. His fingers traced the shapes over and over in sure, smooth strokes—first strength, then friendship and heal. After a few minutes, Magnus switched to one Alec didn’t recognize. It felt like a sort of fancy A. 

“What was that one?” Alec asked curiously, startling Magnus, who jolts hard enough to displace Alec’s head. “I don’t recognize it.”

Magnus guided Alec’s head back to his lap, withdrawing his hand from his chest, fiddling with his ear cuff again. “Just doodling. I didn’t know you were awake.” 

“Mmm, just woke up,” Alec groaned, scooting up on the bed until he could bury his head in Magnus’ neck, too tired to be embarrassed about being cuddly.

Magnus resumed the movement of his fingers in Alec’s hair, nails scratching soothingly at his scalp. Alec nuzzled Magnus’ jaw and neck, too rung out emotionally to be embarrassed. Magnus was warm and solid, curled around Alec, and he smelled amazing, like sandalwood and Alec’s laundry detergent. Alec wanted to have this every day. He could do anything, with Magnus by his side.

Magnus shifted so Alec’s head was on the pillow, pulling his arm free to move the hair off Alec’s forehead. Magnus leaned their foreheads together, and for one heart-stopping moment, he thought Magnus would kiss him, but Magnus pulled away. He stared into Alec’s eyes, rubbing his knuckles down Alec’s face, letting his thumb skim over Alec’s bottom lip. He leaned in again, this time to press a kiss to his forehead. “I love you, Alexander.”

Alec wiggled himself back into Magnus’ arms, his eyes heavy with sleep. “Love you too, Mag’us.”

It was the memory of that night spent in Magnus’ arms that got Alec through the next few months, and the arrival of Camille.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed this chapter! I have a second tearjerker (aka Alec masturbates and cries) already written and will be posting that one-shot sometime in January if ya'll are interested.


End file.
